Ten years ago when I mailed my letters to my family, I also mailed one to my Grandfather, my biological mother’s father. I had never met him before and didn’t even know what he looked like but I did know his name and that he resided in Indiana. It’s not that hard in this day and age to track down an address of someone and that is exactly what I did.
So here is the letter that I sent to my biological Grandfather.
I am writing this letter to you as you are my biological Grandfather that I have never met. I want to set the story straight for myself and my Grandmother. I am sure that you have been told the same story as all. This story from your daughter Patrice is untrue and the proof is attached. Enclosed you will find a DNA test that shows zero probability that Howard could be my biological father. This has been a lie that has spread and lived by my Grandmother and myself. No one could understand how messed up this made me feel.
I will tell you this, that when I me my biological Mother, your daughter she told me that she did not love me because she did not know me. I thought this is a feeling that you might keep to yourself. She also told me that Howard had molested her and that I was the child resulting from him molesting her. I only had a few had a few visits with her that left negative memorable comments in my mind that caused me to have no further interactions with her.
I have to say I am not here to speak badly of your daughter. I just want you to know that truth as you are my biological Grandfather and I have no ill feelings toward you.
Please remember that there are two sides to every story. My Grandmother raised me as her daughter. I would not have had it any other way. She loved me unconditionally and was my best friend. I knew that I could count on her always.
I only lived this horrible story for 20 years but my Grandmother lived with the lies, hurt and deceit of her family for 40 years. My Grandmother explained many things to me, too many to go into in this letter. But I can tell you that she and I was tired of everyone discussing this behind our backs. We discussed many times about getting a paternity test, even weeks before her death to put a rest to all of the stories.
I will tell you this after my mother’s death, I asked Howard for a paternity test and he did not hesitate and it was completed within two days.
I will tell you that she was a very good hearted person in a very bad situation. Her life was not easy. She did discuss your relationship with me on a few occasions. The stories were always good. She never said a bad word about you. She believed in God and I believe she is in heaven finally in peace. This was something that I had to do for her and myself.
You can take the attached facts and draw your own conclusions of lies, betrayal and how we must have felt. You can try to find the fine line between truth and lies. I can say now that I and my Mom is truly at peace!
I didn’t get a response from him either.
About three years ago, when I was going through some counseling we were discussing my biological Grandfather. This letter came up and all of the hurt that I never got a response from this man either. I felt , denied and rejected by him and it sadden me as I hoped for some kind of response as I was his flesh and blood.
My counselor started in on me, saying how do you know he ever really got the letter? Maybe you didn’t get a response because he never got it. She also told me that many men just don’ t respond, or they are afraid of the changes it will create in their life. She said maybe someone intercepted the letter, like his wife. She encourage me to contact him again.
When I got home, I discussed this with a boyfriend and he also encouraged me to contact him, but his suggestion was to call him. Yikes, why would I want to do that, sending a letter is much easier. If I call him, I run the risk of him rejecting me right then and there. Who like rejections? My heart had already been broken so many times.
That fear of being rejected again was so terrifying that I didn’t think I could make the call, although I knew he was right. Why was I so fearful of being rejected by someone that I had never met? Anyways, he was 86 years old and I knew if I wanted to contact him, I needed to call. So, with every bit of courage and strength that I had in my body, I made the call. What a shocked, he didn’t reject me!
He told me that he had got my letter, he was so glad that I had sent it to him. He had wondered about me for many years. I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation, and he was nice!! We talked several times on the phone after that initial call, then I asked him if I could come visit him. I wanted to meet him my him so bad and he agreed. I started searching for flights and planning a trip to finally meet my Grandpa.
Then the stall tactics started happening, he told me to hold off on coming because he was going in the hospital for some testing at the VA hospital in Kentucky. I agreed to wait until he was back home. I tried to call on him and check on him but I couldn’t get a hold of him. I tried several times with no success, I was beginning to get worried about his health and I was willing to go visit him in the hospital if I could just make that contact.
Finally, he answered his phone and he was back home. I was so excited to hear his voice and I immediately started thinking that I was ready to go again. Then when I mentioned it, he asked me not to come…
This was a extremely difficult conversation, my heart just shattered into a million pieces, it was like some one took a little kid to Disney World and left them right outside the gates looking in.
He told me that if I came to visit him, it was going to cause him a lot of trouble. He said at his age he needs help and if I came that would cause problems with people that help him. I told him that he didn’t have to worry, I was not here to cause him any problems or drama. That I would respect his wishes because the last thing I wanted was drama for him or me. I think it is really sad that grown adults can manipulate someone who is 86 years old, and cause this man not to be able to meet his granddaughter who only wanted to know and love him.
He also told me he would be coming to Florida in April to visit Patrice and that he wanted to see me when he came. I guess he was not comprehending that I didn’t have or want a relationship with her. I never said no to meeting him with her, I was dreading that encounter if it ever happened but it didn’t.
Also, he just didn’t ask me not to come to visit but asked me if I wouldn’t call him. He promised me that he would contact me so we can talk. I didn’t hear from him for a while and the Easter holiday was nearing so I sent him a card because I wanted him to know that I cared and was thinking about him. I think I was still hoping that things would work out and I would get to meet him someday. Like I said, he was nice!
After I sent the card, he started calling me and we talked on the phone usually on the weekend for a few months, I was getting to know my Grandpa. I truly felt blessed that I had a relationship with him even if it was only over the phone. He told me stories about his life and it was wonderful. I enjoy the conversations that we had and never felt he personally didn’t want me to be in his life. The roadblock in our relationship was external.
This all makes since, because he just quit calling me after a few months. I never had any hard feelings towards my Grandfather. I just felt he was being manipulated and being elderly was at their disposal to allow them to control him. I sure some people could have had wonder about my intentions, questioning why a 40+ woman would be making contact with an 86 year old man. Possibly thinking I was out for something else, a gold digger but all I just wanted was a relationship, but that was denied.
It is now very evident to me now, that when I had that phone conversation with my biological mother why she interrogated me about why I had contacted her father.
I may not have had much time to build a relationship with my Grandfather but I cherish it with all my heart. It may not have been in person the way I would have wanted it but at least I was able to get to know him just a little bit before it was ripped away.
Abandon again, today I don’t know if my Grandpa is dead or alive. I don’t really think my Grandfather intentionally wanted to abandon me. Probably didn’t even realize the hurt and void this would cause in my heart because for over 40 years he had not been in my life. The thing is, when someone exits the relationship in this manner, they abandon the relationship and the person. So, once again I was abandoned, heartbroken but thankful for what little time I had.
You’re not alone, you are loved,
The Girl that was Abandon