It is always difficult when you feel that you are at a crossroad and you have to make a decision, especially when it comes to your heart and setting boundaries. Sometimes it is difficult to set a boundary and sometimes it is not. This is one of the times in my life that it was not difficult for me to set a boundary.
Prior to sending my first letter to my biological mother, we had a phone conversation. Evidently she was not listening to what I was saying and instead, she was interrogating me. Also, she was probably thinking about what she wanted to say next, as most people do when having a conversation. So, she missed a very important fact that I disclosed to her about my childhood.
There was also one other thing she told me during that phone conversation. She told me that she had adopted a daughter, this was after Randy was grown and out of the house. She told me how this daughter continued to live with her after she became of age. That she had become pregnant during that time and had a child. She told me it bothered her because she missed that as they had a falling out and the daughter and grandchild moved out. Then to top it off she told me that they didn’t have a relationship any longer… It just really made me wonder how difficult relationships are for my biological mother.
So, the important fact that my biological mother missed me telling her, which was huge! I told her about my story as a child and that I had been molested at the age of six by a neighbor, but evidently by her response she didn’t hear that either. Her response was insinuating that I wouldn’t know what that felt like… she was wrong!
So, here is my response to my biological mother.
Thank you for the response to my letter, I do appreciate that you took the time to respond. Yes, I had many questions and I am sorry that they are related to a period in your life that you have tried to move past. Many of your responses I still don’t understand but I am okay with that as I have to accept the information you have given me, along with my experiences, stories that I have heard and scientific facts to draw my own conclusions to unanswered questions.
If you were so terrified of this man, why would you leave me there? I was your child.
You told me one time, that you tried to come back for me, around the age of 10. I have seen the court records and it revealed that you were notified of the adoption hearing but the you never showed up. Should we be disputing court records, also?
You stated you were never given the chance to bond with me, I was in your womb for 9 months, and no one could interfere during that time. So, I don’t understand why you would not have feelings for me. Why do mothers grieve if they have a miscarriage? Why do other mothers that put their children up for adoption, long for their child that they love but gave them up in the name of love or as a selfless act?
As for calling me your daughter, I was a very young at that time around the age of 20 years old. Who was the adult/parent in this situation?
As for the DNA results, these were scientific results stating that this man was not my father and you are disputing. He never once hesitated or blinked an eye when I asked him for the DNA test. All of your siblings an other people in the family said you were sexually active with others during that time. Since there are so many gray areas, I am sticking with what is scientific and factual.
As for me taking care of this man that was so terrible to you, the man that never touched me or any of his other grandchildren. (I am unaware of any other allegations other than yours.) This man raised me, clothed, feed and loved me as his own. He NEVER touched me!! Where were you? If your accusations are true, you did nothing to protect me. Thank God, I didn’t need it from this man. Now, you are upset/hurt that I took care of this man? I don’t understand…
You mentioned that I could not understand the feelings you had of being molested at age of 5 years old. Where you not listening when I spoke to you the last time on the phone and I told you that a neighbor molested me at the age of 6?
I am one for taking responsibility for my actions; your responses seem to have an excuse or denial for everything. I guess we are at two different places in our life. I contacted you initially to tell you that I have forgiven you, which I still do. I was not asking for anything other than your forgiveness also. So, until we are closer to being in the same place in life or spiritually then I will not pursue anything further at this time.
Maybe now, now you can understand why I was at the crossroads and I had to go in one direction and and allow her to stay on her same path. I abandon this relationship to save myself.
After all of this, she does send me from time to time wishing me a happy birthday and a Merry Christmas, simple and to the point. I also keep my boundaries with a simple response of “Thank you”.
You’re not alone, you are loved,
The Girl that was Abandon