Just when you think nothing else could be any worse, when you think your at your bottom, you are never really there, it is a bottomless pit of darkness. When I thought I was at the bottom and couldn’t feel any lower, I was wrong… Wait there it was, she just took the second blow of the evening. It was like a bomb just fell out of the sky and once again destroyed me. I don’t think I can really describe the feeling I felt that night except for disgust.
Like, it wasn’t bad enough that my biological mother had crushed me with her loveless words of rejection. Then she did something that would destroy me for the next 20 years of my life and I would wage the war against my mind. I would live in shame and embarrassment of my existence. I would live hell on earth, day in and day out, feeling unworthy with no self value. I felt like if people knew my secret, they would toss me like a piece of garbage because I felt like trash. I felt like a product of shame. This was the most cruel thing she could have done to me the first time I met her. I would have thought she could have at least waited to our second meeting…my Grandmother was right, she was going to hurt me.
It still makes my stomach sick today, it is very difficult to actually write these words and tell the world of this dirty secret, it is emotionally gut wrenching but God has laid it on my heart to tell my story no matter how difficult it is. So, here is goes…she told me that the man that raised me, her step father had molested her and I was the result of that.
First of all, how does anyone even start to comprehend that explanation of who your father is? A child molester, this was hard for me to swallow, let alone believe. I never told anyone outside of family about this dirty secret. Instead, I lived hell on earth, full of shame and mental torment for 20 years.
The thing that I really couldn’t understand, couldn’t wrap my head around, was how this man that raised me never showed any signs to me of being a child molester. I never had an uncomfortable moment with this man that raise me and I lived with him in the same house until I was 18 years old. I do believe that people that molest doesn’t just stop doing it, it’s an illness and especially if they were never charged, incarcerated or had therapy for their behavior. So, during the 20 years, something just never seemed right about this story, I often wondered if it was true but the seed had been planted.
There were reasons that I questioned this story. Why? For starters, I didn’t resemble him at all, I couldn’t find one feature of resemblance no matter how long and hard I looked. And because, other children, including myself stayed in that home with him and on many occasions alone with him but not one of us ever experience any such behavior. These other Grandchildren stayed over and traveled with their Grandparents during the summer months and there has been open discussions with them and everyone stated that nothing ever happened to any of them. The funny thing is that other adults of these Grandchildren, who you would think would have been worried and want to protect their child, knowing this story… didn’t seem to have a concern to leave their children alone with him. I just couldn’t grasp it, I was in the worst nightmare of my life! It didn’t make since, it just made me feel sick, embarrassed and full of shame, it was the worst battle of my mind extending for 20 long years.
I had spoken with my Grandmother several times about this story. She always said that she didn’t think it was true. She told me there were other boys hanging around and my biological mom had been running the streets and out of control. Now, I only know what she told me but remember she also lied to me for 19 years. Regardless, once that seed is planted anyone would have to wonder if there was any truth to this. My Grandmother had to wonder and so did I.
Here is the love story behind all of this, my Grandmother never looked at me any other way then with love. (I was a gift to her…another blog story) She truly loved me unconditionally, although, I know the thought had to cross her mind from time to time if I was his child. This lady was truly my hero, cause I don’t know many people who could have done that, I don’t think I could have. She truly loved me more than I think anyone ever has on this earth.
It does sadden me, that I didn’t put this dirty secret to bed many years ago prior to her death. She would die not knowing the truth. She lived with this dirty family secret longer than I did. For 39 years, she endure also the ultimate betrayal from her daughter. It wasn’t until right after she died, did I have the courage to find out the truth, once and for all. I was too scared prior that the outcome would be true and I couldn’t cause that type of pain to her for everything she did for me. But, I knew the day had come to find out the truth, to let the cards fall where they may. I knew I couldn’t live a lifetime not knowing the truth of this dirty secret.
Please know that forgiveness is truly possible with the grace of God. I know because I have had to do a lot of forgiveness especially since I was robbed of my life for 39 years until the truth came out.
Just know that if I didn’t have faith, I would have never made it this far. I would have probably been six feet under. But if you believe, God gives you the strength to endure anything.
Next blog, I will share the DNA results that you would have think would end this story put an end to my nightmare…
Until next time…
You’re not alone, you are loved,
The Girl that was Abandon