Forgiving Mommy Dearest

forgivenessMothers Day has never had an affected me when it comes to feeling sad and missing my Mom (Grandmother).  The way I look at Mothers Day, is that I can still celebrate her on that day.  I buy flowers for her and  I get to look at all week long to remind me of how beautiful she was.  I visit her grave instead of giving her a card, oh how she loved her cards.  The cards had to be sentimental and mushy, she didn’t care for joke cards.

However, Mothers Day is not easy for all and many people don’t think before speaking.  This has affected me in this manner as I have never been able to have kids of my own.  People just assume everyone is a Mom and wishing them a Happy Mothers Day, when maybe they are reminding them that they can’t have kids, maybe they just lost a child, or maybe they don’t handle Mothers Days as I do and they loss their Mother…maybe they don’t even know who their Mother is.  I try not to say Happy Mothers Day, unless I know the situation.  I am not trying to be rude but sensitive to others peoples feelings.

So, let’s talk about this forgiveness thing, this thing that is never easy to do, especially when someone has hurt us over and over again.

It was a little over three years ago on Mothers Day, that I was sitting in a church service, a little bit zoned out you could say.  I was thinking about how I had to go out to the cemetery when service over.  I was also thinking about how blessed I was that my Grandmother raised me as her daughter, and her as my Mother. Then all I could see was Jesus on the cross.  The excruciating pain and torture he went through on the cross. All I could see was the blood he shed for us, the thorns dug deep into his head, how the nails were driven into his hands.  How his lifeless body beaten, bruised and bloody just hanging there and the words that he uttered.  “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”  These words just kept repeating in my head over and over and I couldn’t get the vision out of my head of Jesus and his sacrifice for me and how he has forgiven me.  How could I not forgive my biological mother “for she know not what she does”.

So, I left the church service when it was over and I knew what I had to do.  I had to tell my biological mother that I have forgiven her.

The thing is…hurt people, hurt people.  I realized the hurt she had inflicted on me was not personal.  This was her battle, her hurt…I just happened to be the target.  She  did hit the target, dead center, bulls-eye!

This is the message I sent her on Facebook messenger as I didn’t know any other way to get in touch with her that day.

May 11th, 2014

Me: Since today is Mother’s Day, I just want to let you know that our relationship has weighed heavy on me, I have not been fair to you, I have never told you how you heart me and the reasons.  Hurst causes reactions that we can’t take back.  I have completely forgiven you.  Hopefully you can forgive me, so all hurt can be released on both sides.  God says,  forgive Father for they don’t know what they do.  I just needed to let you know that, no other motives.  Have a happy and blessed Mothers Day.

June 29th 2014

Mommy Dearest:  I will assume that this message is for me.  Would I be correct?

Me:  Yes, you are correct.

Mommy Dearest:  Sorry, I deleted your message by mistake.  It was late last night when I was on here.  I looked in history & I can’t find it.  I wanted to keep it.  Do you still have a copy of it?

Me:  Since today is Mother’s Day, I just want to let you know that our relationship has weighed heavy on me, I have not been fair to you, I have never told you how you heart me and the reasons.  Hurst causes reactions that we can’t take back.  I have completely forgiven you.  Hopefully you can forgive me, so all hurt can be released on both sides.  God says,  forgive Father for they don’t know what they do.  I just needed to let you know that, no other motives.  Have a happy and blessed Mothers Day.

Mommy Dearest:  I have thought about your message & hope you know that I have respected your privacy over the years.  If I said something that hurt you I’m sorry!  My intentions have never been to hurt you!  I haven’t contacted you as I feel that to be your wishes!  Here is my number if you want to contact me & we can talk.

July 1st 2014

Mommy Dearest:  Did you receive my message Sunday evening?

Later in the Day

Susan,

I have thought about your message and hope that I have respected your privacy over the years.  If I said something that hurt you I’m sorry!  My intentions have never been to hurt or harm you!  I have only tried to respect your privacy and not bother you.  If you feel like you would like to talk than give me a call.  My home is still the same & I only answer when one leaves a message.  I really don’t like to use Facebook for messages!  I don’t think things are private on there!  I’m a very private when it comes to my life & family.  Things are not private on Facebook.

Patrice

July 3rd 2014

Mommy Dearest:

Hi, I was wondering if you got my message?

Patrice

Me:  Yes, I have been very busy but I will be in touch.  If you send me your address I will forward you the letter that I have written you previously.  I would like to share with you my hurts so that you understand my reaction and distance.

As, I have said prior, God told me that I had to tell my story, he laid it heavy on my heart that I might be able to help someone not feel alone, understand they are not the only one who has been abandon, rejected and abused.  That you can still love after the storms of life. I am sorry if it seems I am breaking someones privacy about their life…but this is my life and my story, that must be told.  We all have to learn to forgive.

You’re not alone, you are loved,

The Girl that was Abandon

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