Hello Mommy Dearest

imagesThe  day I meet my biological mother was like a scene from the movie, Mommy Dearest.  I think, I seen a little bit of Joan Crawford in the person I meet that day.

It was a very short time after I found out that I was adopted, that I got to meet my biological mother.  I was young and naive but not stupid….she found her opportunity and pounced at the first chance she got to contact me.  See, like I said the whole entire family knew, but me.  She found out from other family members, that the cat was out of the bag and I knew about her.

Not to long after I found out that I was adopted, my Mom (Grandmother), her mother passed away which would have been my Great Grandmother.  So, that meant that my Mom (Grandmother) had to go out of state to attend her mother’s funeral.  My biological mother used that to her advantage in this situation.

That’s when it happen, while my Grandmother was gone, I got that unexpected call from my biological mother.  I was so curious who this woman could be, I knew very little about her.  Actually, the only things that I did know about her was her first name, where she worked, the area that she lived in, and let’s not forget that I also had a younger brother.

That curiosity thing can drive a person nuts!  So, after I found out that I was adopted, I started processing this abandonment, but my mind took over by  looking at random faces in malls, restaurants, gas stations, every where I went wondering could that be my real mom or dad.  So, curiosity got the cat and I didn’t hesitate to meet her.  We arranged a meeting time and a place.

The day finally arrived to meet my biological mother and it was time for me to confront all of my nerves and fears and find out who this woman was once and for all.  I was so nervous, full of anxiety, but I was also full of guilt because I didn’t tell my Grandmother that I was going to meet her.  My Grandmother always told me, that if I wanted to meet her that she would like to go with me, because she was concern that her daughter would hurt me…she was right!  Think about it…she knew the perfect timing to contact me and she knew her mother would be out of the picture due to the funeral out of state, so she pounced at that opportunity.

Well, I drove a little bit over an hour away to meet her at a gas station, so that I could follow her to a Chinese restaurant to have dinner and talk.  Now, I had never had Chinese food in my life, so that was going to be a first, and so was meeting her.  I remember the intro only lasted just a few minutes at the gas station and then I followed her to the Chinese restaurant.  I remember the restaurant was dark, I didn’t know what to order off of the menu.  I remember thinking that my biological mother look so young and pretty, the dots connected in my brain because I could see the family resemblance between us.  The puzzle of life seemed to be connecting for me. I thought the meeting was going pretty well…

I didn’t really know what I expected from this meeting, as I knew I didn’t want to replace my Grandmother who I had always called Mom and she was my only Mom I knew, period.  The only thing I know, was  she caught me off guard.  I sure didn’t expect what was coming next.

I just followed her lead, since I didn’t know what to order.   She order dinner for us and we talked casually and it was going okay.  Then she dropped the first bomb of the night on me.  She said “I can’t tell you that I love you, I don’t even know you.”   Okay, WOW!!! Did she just really say that?  Out loud??   Wow, I didn’t see that coming, really was that necessary?  I wasn’t expecting for her to love me.  Hell, I didn’t know who she was either and I didn’t have any feelings for her other than curiosity…but I didn’t say that out loud.  I should have know that old saying was true, “curiosity killed the cat”.

My question is…who in this world says something like that?  What kind of person does that? Remember, I said I was young and naive but not stupid…I knew that moment this woman had a cold heart.  I basically look back on that night and realize she confirmed my abandonment again by those words she spoke.

The sad thing is, that wasn’t the only bomb she dropped on me that night.  There was a much bigger bomb to follow, and  one when I say bigger, I mean huge!!  The lie of my lifetime came out, she informed me who my father was…I don’t think I even asked her who he was, but that didn’t stop her.  She revealed to me my father and the disgusting story  behind it to me.  Which, that is another whole story for another blog which will shock you as much as it shocked me, that is where I would live the next 20 years of my life, in shame.

You’re not alone, you are loved,

The Girl that was Abandon

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