Hello, My Middle Name is Abandon

my-heartLet me introduce myself, my name is Susan which is my given name but my middle name is abandon.  No, I haven’t officially went to the court house and request my middle name to be legally changed to abandon but that word describes my entire life, even before I was born and took my first breath.

Some people may feel pity for the life I have lived, please stop right there!  Abandonment is what has made me who I am today, my abandonment has made me strong!  I have built endurance that has so far sustain me through life.

Now, let me tell you a little about myself.  That’s right, I was abandon before I was ever born…you may wonder how that could be, well my counselor explained to me that even in the womb the fetus already can feel the unwanted feeling from the mother.  See my biological mother, had made a decision to give me up for adoption prior to my birth.  So as she carried me to term, I continued to feel her feelings of the unwanted pregnancy, rejecting me prior to birth.  The first time I heard this, I thought she was crazy.  How could a fetus, an unborn child experience these feelings and how can they contribute to the way that I feel today? Geez, I can’t remember anything before the age of four.   Well, after I had time to digest her theory and also do a little research, I came to the conclusion that she was right.  Scary as that sounds, it makes since to a lot of my issues I have had to deal with in my life.

Now, abandonment does not stop there in my life, I have had people jump ship and abandon relationships, see the way I look at it, once you are dishonest, lie, cheat, or even think about it…you have already abandon your relationship.

Sometimes abandonment comes in the form of death, maybe someone is your rock in life.  Maybe life has short changed you by taking that person from you way before it should of, leaving you feeling empty and feel abandon.

The one thing that I have discovered is that I am not alone, I am not the only one that has been hurt and abandon and neither are you.  This stuff is raw, it hurts and your heart can fill like it is disintegrating, you may wonder if your heart can heal and feel whole again.  Hell, you may wonder if you will ever be able to love again or be loved, along with trusting that abandonment won’t happen again.

Sometimes I wonder how our heart can be so strong, but it is stronger than we can imagine.  The one thing I know for sure is with all my faith, hope and knowledge is that God has never abandoned me.  He is the one that is picking up the pieces of my disintegrating heart and continues to  make it whole again, time and time again.  My heart is always healing, it’s wounded, it has taken a few bullets but it will heal again and again, that is a promise from my God.

 

You’re not alone, you are loved,

The Girl that was Abandon

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