Hope In The Darkest Hour

 

HOPE in the darkest hour, do you have still have HOPE in your darkest hour?

What is HOPE?  What does HOPE mean to you?

Is HOPE a survival tool  that allows us to make it through the storms of our lives?

HOPE is like a life raft that saves you in the storm.

If you lost your HOPE, would you even be alive?

Let me tell you my story about the word “HOPE” and what it means to me.

“HOPE” saved my life!

In 2012, I was facing another storm in my life.  This storm was extremely strong and it was going to drag me face down through the muck.  I lost my father in March of this year, after eight years of being his care taker. Those eight years, I was honored to be his caregiver but it was not a piece of cake, it was exhausting.

Then was assigned the duty as the executor of my parents estate.  I had to deal with a lifetime of things collected, all of their treasures, I never seen so much stuff in my life!   My father was a hoarder and it became worse after my mom (grandmother) died.  Dealing with the estate felt like I was walking in the streets of hell.

I knew this task wasn’t going to be easy, but I never imagine the storm I was about to face with my family. The estate ripped through our family like a hurricane with many causalities of life.  It is true what they say about death and greed, it severed several family relationships that I had.  We expect our family to grow closer during a difficult time, support you, never turn their back on you.  Nope, that is not what happened in my family, greed won and it became a  family feud but that is another story all by itself…but it took a toll on me.

By November of 2012, the estate was still pending with the legal system, but I had did all the physical work that was needed to clean up the estate.  The rest of the issues was in the courts hands.  So, I decided to take care of me and have a major surgery that I needed.  I had been putting off due to all the physical demands in my life.  So, I stopped procrastinating and went under the knife to finally relieve the physical pain that I had been enduring over the past few years.  I ended the year of 2012, physically and emotionally depleted.

Happy New Years!  Welcome to “2013”, it was at the stoke of midnight that I made a promised myself for a better life.   My marriage was in turmoil, it was becoming unsafe for me to stay.  The verbal abuse was escalating and I was afraid it was going to turn into physical abuse.  This was a breaking point for me, I had already live a life of physical abuse in  my previous marriage and there was no way, I way going to allow that to happen to me again.  As difficult as it was, I rented a storage shed, made a plan and told my husband that I would be moving out.  My next step…I immediately went back to counseling, so I would be strong enough to follow my plan out.

Leaving my husband was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do.  I know, I can paint a picture of a horrible husband, but I want you to know that when he wasn’t drinking he was a different person, one that I loved, we enjoyed doing the same things and each others company…but when the drinking started, I despised this man and his actions.

Now, by this time all the pain I had endured compounded my situation and strength.  By this time in my life and had dealt with a lot of loss with death and relationships.   In 2007, I took one of the biggest hits in my life with death. I lost my brother (Uncle) the month prior to losing my Mom (Grandmother), it was a double blow of pain and loss.  Now, here I was in 2013 dealing with the death of my marriage and walking away from a life of 25 years together.

I had so many emotions at this time in my life, all the ones that deal with death, like sadness, depression, anger, bargaining and acceptance of my situation.  I felt like my whole life was spiraling out of control but this was just the eye of the storm, more was to come.  As I said, I rented a storage shed, told my husband I was leaving and started counseling.  I had started packing stuff and moving it to my storage shed.  My plan was to moved into my rental home that was vacant.  Sounds like a pretty good plan, huh?

It was except, I had some issues to deal with regarding the condition of the mobile home.   It was a small mobile home, two bedroom, one bath and it was in dire need of repairs.  I hate to say, but during the eight years of being a care giver, I neglected the property.  It was really bad, the roof had rusted through in spots, causing leaks and holes in the ceilings, the rain leaking in caused mold to be present in the ceilings and walls.  There was no steps to access the front or back doors because someone had stole them.  There was only a metal shell of the air conditioner as the guts had been stolen.  People steal the the gut of air conditioners because copper is a hot commodity for thefts to recycle.   It doesn’t stop there, the home didn’t have heat, thank God I lived in Florida!  The home was small enough that I could survive with a space heater since Florida doesn’t really get that cold in the winter months.  Once in awhile, we get a few days that we hit the freezing mark but it is rare. When I say this place was bad, I am saying it mildly.  This place wasn’t really fit for anyone to live in.  The ceilings were so  saturated from rain that it was sagging and literally falling down.  Plan “A” was to start fixing the mobile home before I moved, while packing my stuff, but plan “A” failed.  In minutes, I got a plan “B” because it was no longer safe for me to stay.  I had to make a decision, exposing myself to health conditions of mold and mildew, or losing my mental health due to the insanity of abuse.

HOPE was my life raft that saved me in the storm.

You’re not alone, you are loved,

The Girl that was Abandon

 

 

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