This is that picture that I was referring to in a previous blog about the polaroid picture that was taken at the time for the paternity file. When I look at this picture, I don’t recognize this person, so much sadness, pain and suffering, the eyes look like death. I know that this was me at one time but hard to believe and look at.
As, I was going through things to prepare to write this blog I found this picture, now I realized that I died a second time in my life because the person in this picture no longer exist. I died at 19 and again at 39, so yes there can be life after death, I’m proof. It’s just how you look at things, RIP tired and weary girl. You are now released from your suffering.
I wrote quite a few letters after I got my DNA results. This is one that I wrote to the bulk of the family which included Mom’s brothers and sisters, my sibilings (really my Aunts and Uncles) other people that had married into the family that had heard the story. As I will share this letter with you, you will find it has some of the similar writings as the one I sent to my biological mother with out the demanding under tones. Here you go, remember I wrote these letters 10 years ago.
I am writing this letter in order to bring closure for my Mom and myself. Enclosed you will find a DNA test that shows zero probability that her husband could be my biological father. This has been a lie that has spread and lived by my Mom, her husband, any myself. No one could understand how we have felt because of this lie. If you have not walked in my shoes you will never know how messed up this has made me feel.
I will tell you this, that when I met my biological mother, she told me that she did not love me because she did not know me. I thought this is a feeling that you might keep to yourself. She also told my that her Step Dad has molested her and that I was the child resulting from him molesting her. I only had a few visits with my biological mother that left negative memorable comments in my mind that caused me to have no further interactions with her.
My Mom was the best Mom I could have ever had. I would not change the 20 years of hurt, confusion, and deception that I felt for anything in the world. My Mother loved me unconditionally and was my best friend! I always knew I could count on her, out of everyone in my life. I prayed daily that her health would improve and she would be her longer. I also was very unselfish in the end and allowed God’s will because I did not want her to suffer. She lived with me the last month of her life and no one knows the pain she was going through but me as my mother hid it very well and wanted no pity.
I only lived this horrible story for 20 years but my mother lived with the lies, hurt and deceit of her family for 40 years. My mother explained things to me too many to go into in this letter. But I can tell you that she and I was tired of everyone discussing this behind our backs. We discussed many time about getting paternity test, even weeks before her death to put a rest to all of these stories.
I will tell you this after my mother’s death I ask my Dad for a paternity test and he did not hesitate and it was completed within two days.
I will also tell you that Mom discussed a conversation with me, that had with (her other daughter) prior to surgery and that she would that she would need to ask for forgiveness in order to be right with the Lord. She also said that even though she would have to forgive she did not have to let people back into her life to hurt her again. I do feel that Mom did have this conversation with God but that is a personal conversation only between her and God. I do feel that my Mom is in heaven as I experienced many things in the room with her the day she was dying. When she was out of it she raised her arms, and said the following things different times, light, ready, going, Mom, reaching and saying her son’s name she had lost the month prior. I am a firm believer that the other side was welcoming her with open arms.
You can take the attached facts and draw your own conclusions of lies, betrayal and how we must have felt. You can try to find the fine line between truth and lies. I can say now that my Mom is truly at peace!
After these letters where sent I waited for weeks for a response from any one…but I only got one response.
You’re not alone, you are loved,
The Girl that was Abandon