Let’s Bury the Axe

bury-the-axe

I did call my biological mother prior to sending this letter.  I was interrogated by her, she wanted to know  why I had a change of heart, why I had contacted her father since I never had an interest in him before…funny thing is that she hasn’t been involved in my life to know my desires and my interest.  She was clueless that I has a desired to know my biological grandfather.  I am guessing that when I contacted her to let her know that I forgave her,  must have taken her by surprise and she became naturally defensive. During that phone conversation she was making comments like,  “you must of found God”, basically mocking me and my faith, but I sent this letter to her anyways.

Patrice,

I am contacting you to say my peace.  This letter has no ill intent, but to give the opportunity to release the hurt.

My scars were deep but they are healing.  I have forgiven all the people that have hurt me. I took everything so personally, I now know it was really not about me.  Hurt people, hurt people.  I think there has been enough hurt in this family and I must let you know that I have forgiven you.  I only hope that I can be forgiven for any hurt that I caused by my behavior as my actions was out of my own hurt.  I have not always handle situations in the right manner but I can’t change the actions of my past.  I have acknowledged my wrongs , forgiven myself and I now only have peace in my heart.  I continue to pray daily for the hurts of others and that they have will also find the same peace I have.  I don’t think I have ever allowed you to know the impact that you had on me and how that hurt scarred me.  I am not contacting you to disrupt your life or hurt you in a manner.  In order for me to heal completely I feel that I need to tell you those reasons, that it is only fair to you.  Life is too short for anyone to live with a heavy heart.

First, when we first met, you told me that you couldn’t tell me that you love me because you didn’t know me.  I was just a curious young adult that came to meet you, I didn’t have any expectations of love from you.  I just didn’t understand why the comment was made, I felt it was unnecessary.  Also, during that initial meeting you told me how I was conceived.  This is probably the deepest scar of all as I thought I as a result of molestation.  I accepted this information from you as truth.  I lived in shame and embarrassment for 20 years until DNA proved differently.  I could not understand why I would not have been spared that if there were other possibilities.

One other time, I had come down to see you on a weekend that fell on Randy’s birthday.  At that time, you gave me a check for my birthday that  had already passed.  I felt the only reason that gift was given was out of a sense of obligation due to the circumstances and timing of my visit.

On another visit, we went to brunch at where you worked doing banquets.  When introductions were given you introduced Randy as your son.  I was introduced just as “Susan”; I felt that you were embarrassed to introduce me as your daughter.

After you visited me in Sarasota, you had sent me a letter telling me that Randy was going off to college and how this would be a good time for us to get to know each other.  I kind of felt like I could have been a replacement since you was going to have that void in your life.  I didn’t want to be a replacement.

These are the reasons that I didn’t seek a relationship any further.  I tried to overlook each situation and give another chance but it seemed I was putting myself in the same position time after time.  I was already hurting and living in shame.  I couldn’t do it to myself anymore.

As far as my behavior at your Mother’s funeral, it was completely unacceptable but I can’t take back my actions.  I am sorry and hope that you can forgive me.  That entire situations was handled wrong by all of us.  I wished that everyone would have been up front before the service and I hope we would have reacted differently.  I just didn’t understand after all of these years what your purpose was to be there.  I felt it was too late, her soul was gone and only her human shell remained.  Well, this was not my pain for me to understand.

I don’t know if you were jealous of the relationship that I had with your Mother.  A relationship that you did not have and out of hurt this is why some of the things occurred without even realizing that was the reason.  I had no choice in this,  I was born and for whatever reason in the past, I was raised by her.  She loved me unconditionally.  I received so much love from her, maybe I received the love she had for you also due to the severed relationship between you and her.

I have had endless counseling to deal with all of the issues life has dealt me, not just the ones above.  We are all broken, but I have been blessed by the grace of God, he is with me and when I was at rock bottom he picked me up and showed me the path.  He allowed me to forgive and took the heaviness off my heart and without him I would still be in turmoil and dealing with rejections and abandonment issues.  My heart still struggles with the void of not knowing who my father is, but I have turned this over to God and pray that one day this will be revealed to me.

Please feel free to respond if you feel that need in your heart.

Susan

I will tell you this, her response to this letter is nothing but sickening and gut wrenching.  I will warn you that the next blog is going to be extremely a hard read and graphic, readers beware.

 

 

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