Lies That Kill…Forgiveness

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Sometime people make the wrong choices, either for their needs or because they think they know what is best for another person.  It is never okay to lie to someone for their best interest, honesty is the only one that wins.

After 19 years, discovering that my Mom and Dad was’t true was  truly my mom and dad, was absolutely heart wrenching.  Many people would thought that I would be full of hate and anger, that I would have turned my back on my parents and run for the hills.  And you know what…I would have been justified to do so, but I didn’t.  God didn’t give me that kind of heart, no I was stuck with a loving but hurting heart.  There is times I wish that wasn’t so and this was one of them.

When my parents revealed to me that I had been adopted, it was just like in the old days when we had antennas and bad reception.  My head was out of focus and all I could hear was that white noise.  See, it was very difficult to try and comprehend that who I thought was my Mom was actually my Grandma.  The man that raised me was her husband.  This man raised me as his own.  How do you comprehend this at 19 years old, that your whole life was a lie.

See, my parents thought their decision was in my best interest.  I was told that they wanted me to have a normal life as much as possible.  They explained that they didn’t want me to wonder where my real Mom and Dad was.  They really didn’t want me to have to deal with school kids asking me questions.  Maybe… they thought this justified their actions but it didn’t, I also think their motive was for their own selfishness.  The reason I say this is because I think that they lived in fear of my biological mother coming back for me and causing a lot of havoc and heartbreak.  My Grandma also told me that the adoption was all set when I was born but when she seen me, she knew that she had to bring me home, she said that she couldn’t live not knowing where I was or if I was okay.  I was truly loved by them.

All I ever felt was love when I grew up, so how could I hate them, how could I make them pay for their actions?  They already lived in hell for 19 years while they kept that secret from me…the funny thing is the whole entire family knew but me, Aunts, Uncles, Great Grandparents, Cousins, everyone but me and this went on for 19 years.  Pretty good secret keepers, what a dysfunctional family I had.

The other thing is that  by the age of 19, I had never experienced this type of deceit and betrayal.  I honestly, was so naive that I didn’t know how to have feelings of hate and anger.  They were my family no matter how screwed up, they were all I knew.  Just because you are lied to, betrayed, your trust is forever broken doesn’t mean you stop caring and loving…that is where God steps in and forgiveness happens.

My parents are both deceased now, I only know the story that they told me, other in my family have given me other versions, I will truly never know the truth…  The one things I know is truth that my Grandmother did tell me was that if I ever met my biological mother to expect to be hurt, she was 100% right!  She may have been wrong in the way she handle my situation but she was spot on when she spoke about being hurt.  That is another story that will have to wait for another blog post.  Let’s say it is another extremely painful episode in my life story.

You’re not alone, you are loved,

The Girl that was Abandon

 

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