Most of my life, I have felt like I was attending a masquerade ball. I was hiding behind that beautiful, mysterious mask, so no one could see my pain or know the real me. I didn’t want anyone to see the brokenness of my heart and soul. So, I orchestrated a masquerade ball of a lifetime, where I pretended that everything was grand! That mask disguised my pain, where no one could see all of the self torment that I was living. I was not dancing at the ball, instead I was hiding in the mosh pit of my life, where I was being trampled alive.
I started living behind that mask at a very early age. I was only six years old when I picked up the most beautiful mask I could find so that no one would know the secret I was hiding. At six years old, I started feeling dirty and full of shame, all because my innocence was stolen and I felt like it was my fault instead of my predator. I can’t explain why at such an early age, that I accepted the blame for this man’s actions or the reason that I would hide what this man did to me. I never uttered a word of that truth until I was in my 30’s. When I did speak of the incident, it was only to a very few selected people that I could trust but I still felt dirty and less than.
At 19, I found out about our dirty family secret that I was smack down in the center of it…my whole life had been a lie. I think at this point, I added more jewels and feathers to my mask. At this time in my life, I felt I had to hide my truth, but this was no game of hide and seek. I had to hide who I truly was, where NO one could find me, so the bigger the mask the better. I wanted to take this dirty secret to my grave and burry it more than six feet under.
Finally, at the age of 39, I started facing some of my worst fears, but I still hid behind my mask. I was only getting answers for myself. I had to know if I was a child that was born from molestation. That was the dirty family secret that I had been hiding since I was 19 years old. I finally got my answer and was able to put that lie to bed. There was no truth in that lie that was told to me. The paternity test gave me my truth, I had been living in someone else’s lie. So, why didn’t I shout that from the top of the mountains? I was so embarrassed that I came from such a screwed up, dysfunctional family and now I had to hide that fact on top of everything else. So, I got even a bigger mask…
It saddens me, that we worry too much about what other people may think. We then hide behind those masks and allow it to eat away at our soul. We are trapped and imprisoned in our own mind because we feel less than.
I finally took my mask off at the age of forty-nine, this is the first time the world got a glimpse of the real me. I was no longer going to hide behind that mask. I had been battling taking this mask off since I was thirty-nine, when I found out the truth of who I was. At, that time I had my first desire to write a book about my crazy life. I figured people would just think it was fictional, because who could be this screwed up and lived this life…well, me. After many years of counseling and having this desire to write a book, here I am spilling my guts out to the world that I was so scared of. You may wonder what it took me take the first step and remove my mask, it was God. He told me “It is time, you have procrastinated long enough!” That is it, that is all he said, I heard it loud and clear, so I took that mask off that night and wrote my first blog. I have not regretted one moment revealing me.
The thing is, that scary world has embraced me, I have found out that I am not the only one that has lived these nightmares. I have had an out pouring of love and support. Many people have been able to relate to my story and not feel like they are alone in this scary world.
I have been told that I am BRAVE to tell my story, I don’t feel brave at all. I am just trying to do what God has laid on my heart. Every time that someone has like my post, commented, shared, emailed, or contacted me personally, it gives me the reassurance that I am doing exactly what I am suppose to do. I have been shocked by how many people are following of my blog, it never ceases to amaze me when someone reaches out to me to let me know that they have been impacted in some way or another. I know there is many more people that are still hiding behind that mask, I know they are relating to me but are afraid to reach out. I hope that at least they find comfort in my words. I want them to know that world is not as scary as they think, there is a lot of love and support in such an ugly world, that is the beauty in this. So, BRAVE? No, that scared girl still visits me from time to time but I know I have got to keep doing what God has laid on my heart, it sets her free. Isn’t it time for all of us to take our mask off and show how really beautiful all our brokenness is?
You’re not alone, you are beautiful!
The Girl that was Abandon