Sometimes You Can’t Bury the Axe

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Before going any further any reading the response from my biological mother, I must warn  you that you maybe uncomfortable with the content of this blog, as it speaks in detail of molestation and sexual abuse.

Dear Susan,

I do want to respond to your letter.  I know it must have been hard letter for you to write.  I appreciate the fact that you care enough to put your feelings down in words.

I hate to have to drag all the past back up again, as it causes me a lot of painful memories that I would rather not have to think about.  I realize that you have questions and need answers.  I hope that after reading this, you will be able to see things in a different light.

Susan, what I told you about how you were conceived is true.  I cant do anything now to make you believe that.  It is hurtful to me that you think I would lie about such a thing.  Have you ever considered what a 5 year old child feels like who has been sexually molested by a grown man>>  Even worse, someone you have to live with and see every day?  I was so scared of him.  I was so scared of him.  I remember thinking he was a monster and all I wanted to do was get away from him.  The abuse continued right until I left.  That was 10 years of sexual assault!  I don’t expect you to completely understand all I had to go through.  I sometimes don’t even know how I got through it myself.  I had no one to turn to or talk to about what was happening to me.  I felt dirty and ashamed.

I couldn’t talk to any mother about what he was doing to me because he said he would kill me and everyone else. I believed him.  So, I had to carry that dirty secret around with me for all those years.  I finally told her because I was pregnant, she didn’t believe me.  Can you imagine how that felt!  Here I was, a child, protecting her and when I needed her she abandoned me!  I was so depressed, I tried to kill myself, I couldn’t imagine going on with my life.  It was really bad living there!  By God’s grace, I’m still living and breathing today.

Within a short time I had to run away.  My mother didn’t even want me to look at you.  I remember one time you were going to fall, I reached out to catch you and she yelled at me not to touch you.  You ere my own baby, but I couldn’t even hold you.  I had to proceed to run away.  I was never allowed to develop natural feelings for you.

Keep in mind, I was only 14 years old.  How would you have handled all of that at 14?

I was made a ward of the state, and was able to live away from them.  Now, I had to try to live some kind of normal life.  If you want to believe that this is all some huge lie, that’s your decision.  I know this man molested me probably over 100 times, but you still took care of the monster after he destroyed your own mother’s life.  I want you to know that hurt me deeply.

Susan, I feel free of him now that he has passed away, I know he can never hurt me again.  I know he will have to face judgement!  He caused so much pain to happen in the family.  It is out of my hands, I gladly handed it all over to God!

As far as the DNA test is concerned, there is no way that can be true.  All I do know is this man raped me repeatedly from the age of 5 years old.

Why would I introduce you as my daughter, when we didn’t even have a relationship as mother and daughter?  Did you call me “mother”? No.

As far as the funeral goes, I had every right to be at my mother’s funeral.  You have no ideal how hard it was for me to go.  I knew I would have to face the monster, in fact I had my best friend go with me because I still feared him.  I didn’t know what I would be walking into that day.  I knew it probably would not be good.  I still felt I had to go.  After all, she was my mother.  Why would you have a problem with that?

I want you to know with all my heart that I have never been jealous of your relationship with my own mother. I’m thankful to her that she protected you.  I do believe my mother probably didn’t love me.  I believe that goes way back to when I was born.  This was all way before you were born.  It has nothing to do with you.  My father entered my life at the age of 24 we share life together as family.  I know I have his love, and that was enough for me.  I never wanted to return to your parents home.

I can say that I am truly sorry for the circumstances of your birth.  I also know there was nothing I could do to change any of it.  If we can leave this all in the past, we may be able to still salvage what time we have left I do hope so for both us.

Love,

Patrice

After reading this letter, I just shake my head as there is too many holes in her story.  I feel like I was trying to bury the axe and she just threw it right back at me.

You’re not alone, you are loved,

The Girl that was Abandon

 

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