Suicidal Love

Manipulation is real, it is a dangerous tool that is used against our minds.  Manipulation is also one of the traits of a narcissist and for some reason, I must have a magnet that just draws them to me.

When I approached Mitchell about abuse, he was always in denial even after the blood shed night of the glass shards raining down on me.  You would have thought that would have been a wake up call, but  it wasn’t.  The abuse only escalated from here on out.

Honestly, he scared the living hell out of me!  

The other thing was that I was living this nightmare all by myself.  I didn’t tell a soul about the abuse either.  I didn’t have any friends in Sarasota and all of my family was a couple hours away, so it was easy to hide the abuse.  I ask myself today, “Why, on God’s green earth would you want to hide something like this?”  Was I protecting Mitchell from what everyone would think?  Would I blow his cover and cause him to loose his job again?  Would he  fall flat on his face if I exposed him?  I honestly, can’t answer this question as it was probably a combination of all of these excuses that allowed him to get away with it, time after time.

Mitchell had once told me that if he really wanted to abuse me, that he would just put a bar of soap in a sock and beat me with it.  That is supposably an old military move that won’t leave bruises.  It didn’t matter, I knew what abuse was and this was abuse.  I allowed him to continue to damage me, my heart was already bruised and scarred and his abuse just added to it.  But what he did next would be permanently tattooed in my mind, just like his tattoo with bamboo needles in kanji.

It happened on a Sunday night, another fight had started and I knew it was not going to end well.  But I was clueless what Mitchell was really capable of until that night.

As the fight continued to escalate, I was in the bathroom and I had been telling Mitchell I wasn’t going to take his behavior anymore and I threaten him with divorce.  At that moment, unknowingly, I trigger a switch in Mitchell and it would not be the last one for the night.  In that ugly moment, Mitchell reached for a razor blade and held it to his wrist, he said to me, “I love you so much, I will kill myself!”

It is not easy to write what happened next, because I decided to call Mitchell’s bluff, I felt like he was the boy crying wolf.  I simply said to him in return, “Go ahead”, and that is exactly what he did.  That was the second trigger of the night.

You can not imagine the trauma I went through that night and the days to come.  When you to tell some one  you love to go ahead and slit your wrist, how crazy does that make you sound.  Now, I had stooped to his level and games.

You can’t imagine the amount of blood that was gushing everywhere.  I panicked and started grabbing towels applying pressure to stop the bleeding,  then I went into shock.  Mitchell started barking orders at me, but all I was doing was sobbing hysterically, non stop.  Then he took his other hand and slapped me across the face.  He told me I had to get a grip.  I said “I got to call an ambulance”.   Mitchell said “No, you know they will take me away.  I really didn’t mean to cut it that deep, I was just trying to scare you.  You know, I love you, please don’t let them take me away.  It will be fine, go to your office and get some butterfly strips and sutures.  It will be okay. If you love me, you will help me and not put me away.”

I am not proud to say this, I didn’t call the ambulance, he manipulated me right out it.  I also didn’t go to the medical office that I worked at either, that was just not ethically right.  Instead, we got in our vehicle and drove to a local pharmacy.  I walked in  the pharmacy with a completely blood covered shirt.  I am sure I looked like someone that just committed murder.  Instead, I had just watched someone that I loved attempt suicide right in front of me.  I do find it strange, that again I was so distraught, blood stained shirt and no one asked any questions.  I got the first aid supplies, paid for them and was on my way without one question or any words of concern.

We got back to the apartment, I started bandaging Mitchell’s wrist.  I got him situated and had him lay down as he was tired, and feeling depleted from all of the blood loss and the emotional drainage had taken its toll.

Next,  I had to start cleaning the apartment which looked like a murder scene, there was blood everywhere.  I do mean everywhere, counters, cabinet, doors and door knobs, and the carpet.  There was a trail of blood everywhere Mitchell had been, which was the entire one bedroom apartment.  I got down on my hands and knees and started frantically cleaning the carpets because they were brand new.  I knew I had to take care of them before the stains set in or we would lose our deposit.  It took me all night to clean the mess up, I would clean for about 10 minutes then I would go and check on Mitchell to make sure he was still alive.  He had lost so much blood.

I feared for his life the entire night!

Morning finally came, I could sigh a big relief as we made it through the night.  You know nighttime is the worst during any bad situation.

When Mitchell got up that morning, he acted like nothing ever happened, I was truly living a nightmare!  He got dressed for work, long sleeve shirt that covered his wrist and bandages and topped it off with his suit jacket.  Yes, he went to work like nothing ever happened.

You’re not alone, you are loved,

The Girl that was Abandon

 

 

 

 

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