Forgiveness does happen with the grace of God, because although my childhood was a lie, I never questioned the love that this woman had for me. In return, I loved her with all my heart. So, the day she died, a little piece of me died that same day. I would never be the same person again. Death does something to you very deep within your soul.
With the passing of my Grandmother, all of the crazy family stuff came out…just like people always say. My biological mother had not had a relationship her Grandmother since right after I was born…so I couldn’t understand why she showed up at the funeral.
We all disrespected my Grandmother (and their Mother) at the funeral. I am a shamed and embarrassed of the way I acted that day but I can’t change it, just like she couldn’t change what she did. It could have been handled differently but only if my family had any honesty about them. Remember this family was severely dysfunctional. It should have never went down the way it did, because my Grandmother deserve much more respect than what we gave her.
I was so angry, you could have actually see fire coming from my nostrils like a dragon when I found out that my biological mother had showed up for the funeral. I was like, really your going to show now when she is dead and gone? It’s too late!!
The only reason I could think of, that she would showed up was only to benefit herself and any guilt that she may have had for all lies that she told, but still denies to this day. I really don’t know if she is capable of feelings of loss or remorse. I think she may have been there partly to just to stir trouble, only she knows what her intentions were that day.
Her brother knew she was coming to the funeral but lied to me the night before when I questioned him if he thought she would, he clearly told me “no”. I found out later, that he knew all along she was coming and it had been planned. He lied to my face without blinking an eye. Sucker punch me to the gut because I had welcome him and opened my home to him since he was in from out of state…and don’t forget, family. Isn’t that what you do for family? Don’t ever mistake my kindness for weakness. I wash my hands of him that day! The older I have gotten, the more I won’t tolerate someone that lies to me.
He also knew, how his Mom felt about his sister(my biological mother). My Grandmother had cancer and she had opted for surgery with only a 30% chance she would even make it through the surgery due to her heart and lung issues. She knew there was no chance of survival from the cancer if she didn’t at least try.
She had many deep discussions with us and she had asked her son to respect her wishes and not bring her daughter up for discussion when he had tried. I heard this discussion, my impression was that she was so hurt by her daughter that if there was going to be any action or response it needed to come from her and not a third party.
See, the sad thing was that my Grandmother had just lost one of her sons’ the month prior to her death. She was grieving his death and so were all of us. Imagine trying to deal with those feeling and trying to fight cancer.
I remember the day he died…they had called and said that had rushed him to the hospital. So, I got my Grandmother and drove her to the hospital but we were too late… when we went in the room to see him she said ” I’m right behind you.” Those words tore me apart but I knew she was tired because she had been sick for so many years. He never knew she had cancer because he was very sick also with heart disease, major surgery and a massive infection that he was trying to heal from. She didn’t want the additional stress of on her baby boy (he was in 50’s). He never knew about her cancer, that is how this woman lived. We were all sworn to secrecy again to not let him know. She was right, she died a little over a month after him.
Back to the funeral…all I can say is that I am ashamed of my behavior on that day. My reaction was unacceptable and did no one any good. It wasn’t right and I am sorry because calling someone a name and spitting in her face was just wrong. I gave those actions to God for forgiveness because my Grandmother deserved better than having the Jerry Springer show at her funeral. I acknowledge the wrongs to everyone but no one would agree that we were all wrong and it could have been handle differently.
I had so much anger for this woman that when I seen her it awaken the dog and the rage inside of me, because I was like how dare her to show up…it’s too late! That rage gave me the courage to move forward and find me to find out if my biological mother’s step dad, the man that raised me was my father.
The week after the funeral, I approached him and his sister and I asked him if he would be willing to take a paternity test, without any hesitation he agreed. I made arrangements and paid for the testing which was scheduled the following week.
I remember that day going for the testing, my stomach just rolled from nerves of what the results were going to show. We went in and they took one of those old polaroid picture of each one of us for the file. I remember looking again and seeing no resemblance but this test was going to answer 39 years of questions, once and for all. They swabbed our mouth, seal the tubes and sent them off to the lab for processing.
The next several weeks, I waited on pins and needles for these test results. Everyday, I checked my mailbox obsessively and each time I opened it I had a gut wrenching feeling. I even came home on my lunch a few times just to check the mail, it was driving me insane waiting. Then envelope finally came one day. The results were in my hand, my heart raced and my hands trembled knowing finally, I was going to have my answer.
The results stated that it was 99.7% sure he was not my father.
All of those years taken from us, me and my Grandmother and what about him…he had lived with these accusations against him.
I don’t know how the other Grandchildren felt about their Grandfather because that seed had been planted there for them also to wonder if he was a child molester. I never have discussed this aspect with any of them about how it made them feel. I hate to say it, but I couldn’t focus on anyone else’s pain or shame all of those years but my own.
The sad thing is this story doesn’t end here…I sent letters to all of our family that knew with copies of the DNA test results. Still to this date I am told by family that the results are wrong, that I fraudulently created the test results although I have proof of paying for the test and witnesses were present the day we were tested.
Till this day, my biological mother still denies what the test proved, but by now that probably doesn’t surprise you about her. Those lies destroyed our family and they still do to this day. We will never get back those years, it is done! We can only move forward, day by day to heal and love ourselves.
I only wish, I had the courage to have done this test when my Grandmother was alive and undo some of the years of pain and suffering but I know she now knows the truth now. My Grandmother can now rest in peace because I loved her enough finally to find out.
You’re not alone, you are loved,
The Girl that was Abandon