Some relationships are just not healthy for us, no matter how hard we try we can’t get to a common ground of respect and love. Sometimes these relationships become so hurtful that we have got to set boundaries in order to save ourselves.
All relationships are different, some we just need a seat belt to keep us safe.
Whereas, other relationships we may need a simple fence and know when to exit graciously.
Then, there are the toxic relationships where you have to draw the line in the sand and build a wall.
But there are those relationships where they have broken you, severely by being abusive. In these types of relationship, you need to build a moat to surround your castle and fill it full of alligators.
Sometimes this is very hard to do, because people like to manipulate you and make you feel sorry for them. They know how to make those walls to crumble just so they can get in and destroy you again. Some are like a bug, all they need is a crack to squeeze back in, because they have no respect for you.
That is what I had to do with my biological mother over and over again. I have tried more than once to have just a civil relationship, one that was not strained, where you don’t have to cut the tension in the room. I really think she is jealous that her mother took me and raised me, that I had a good relationship with her and she didn’t.
After I meet my biological mom, aka Mommy Dearest, I continued to visit with over the next year, trying to give her the benefit of doubt. See, I didn’t know at the time she was lying to me about who my father was, it could have been truth because there was no proof to dispute her story.
So, here are a few things that happened over the first year of trying to develop a relationship with her.
Sunday brunch, let’s start there, I was all of 19 years old and she took me and my biological brother to brunch where she worked. Think about this, I am 19 years young, I am you trying to adapt to a new family, wanted to be accepted as a daughter and a sister. Even though, my biological mother had told me she didn’t love me. I still had hope, that she would fall in love with me as her daughter. Oh, what a stupid, naive young girl I was to have thought something like that. When you are young, you are full of hope and society doesn’t make it easy painting an unrealistic picture of what life is suppose to be like.
So, we were seated at our table, remember she worked at this establishment so you knew the entire crew working. When her co-workers came up to greet her, she introduce us. Hi, this is my son, Randy and this is Susan. All I was to her, was my name and nothing more. It stung like a wasp, rejected again in the biological family circle. She didn’t have enough respect for me to tell them who I really was. Maybe she was embarrassed because she had kept me a secret all of those years, I don’t know but the truth is the truth and when we hide the truth it hurts others. I did confront her for many years about this incident and when I did she told me it was because I didn’t refer to her as mom…switch the tables, deny responsibility for actions and by the way, who was the adult here? Gee whiz!
The next visit her was a few months after my birthday, unknowing it was my brother’s birthday that weekend. While I was there, she was giving him money to spend for his birthday and turned around and wrote me a check for my birthday that passed a few months back. What a slap in the face…really? Seriously? I didn’t let my feeling show and took the gift graciously while my heart shattered and was being ate up inside.
The final straw was…she came to visit me, when I lived in Sarasota, FL. This was the last time I would see here for about 16 years. We had a nice visit, she came to visit me in my home and we went out to dinner. I was really trying not to be over sensitive to all of her actions and truly give this relationship a chance to grow. The weekend was nice, I really must say it was one of the nicest visits we ever had.
After the weekend she returned home, an about a month later I received a letter from her…yes, back in the day of no email, sent by snail mail to my mail box. I read this letter and was emotionally torn again by this woman. I really don’t think her words were intentional for the way I perceived the letter. She basically was telling me how my brother, Ray would be going off to college, how excited and proud she was of him. She also told me that she would have more time to get to know me better…maybe that sounds pretty nice that she wanted to get to know me better but I didn’t feel that way at all.
Remember, she abandon me at birth, she destroyed me when I met her, denied me of her love, rejected me once again, denied me in front of her friends. (Boy, do I know how Jesus feels.) So, this simply felt like she was going to try and replace her son with me…now that she have free time for me.
This relationship was not healthy for me, I battle so much with it that I had to set my boundaries. I built my castle and surrounded it with a moat, hired guards and filled the moat with alligators. I went into survival mode, to save myself.
These are the reasons that I have relationship issues today. I struggle with relationships because of my rejection and abandonment issues. I have trouble trusting because of betrayal in all of my relationships that I have had. I also, have problems with feeling not worthy enough of love because I have been denied love. Because of my brokenness, I have allowed others to disrespect and verbally/physically abuse me. Most of my relationships end because of broken trust. I have allowed this type of treatment in the past because I didn’t feel good about myself and didn’t think I was worthy of anything better.
I have had to learn to not let people manipulate me, I have my eyes wide open for red flags, as the warnings are always there. I must have relationships of mutual respect and trust, that are healthy and have a positive impact on my life. I have realized with the help of God, that I am worthy and I deserve better, that he has a purpose for me and all of my pain and suffering in not for nothing.
We all need to respect ourselves enough to set standards for our lives and set the boundaries when a relationship is not healthy…even if you have to use barbed wire. Love yourself enough, give yourself the gift of self respect and love.
You’re not alone, you are loved,
The Girl that was Abandon